Yesterday I attended an evening of Authentic Relating, a practice by which we can go deeper into our connections with friends, family, partners, and even strangers.
I'll admit I had some trepidation. While I feel I've got better in opening up to people about my inner landscape in the last year or so (thanks to a decent helping of both therapy and some supportive friends), a cold November evening after work wouldn't have been my ideal mental state to be doing so.
With great relief, after the workshop started and we started easing into some introductory activities, I was comfortable sharing with the group that "I may have needed to come here more than I thought ."
I won't go into too many details (I recommend attending the workshop yourself!), but I did have some insights that may interest:
- The concept of the vulnerability hangover was introduced to help us to articulate the feeling of drag that can appear the day after an intense therapeutic session in which a lot was discovered or shared. In these instances, It is important to take things easy and try to journal/process what you've learned and experienced.
- Circling, the practice of one person being a "Hot Seat", and two others asking them (probing, feelings-based) questions, I found especially helpful in getting to a core issue going on for that person within a matter of minutes. It can feel intense, but it gets down to the brass tax quicker than just asking a general question and listening to a more muddled answer.
- "It is important to question our words, because they are limiting. Our emotional language does not reflect our emotional landscape." I found this particularly helpful in really nailing why when I say "I feel tired" to somebody, it doesn't quite capture the feeling of "tired-irritated-lonely-needing a hug-thirsty-afraid of rejection" that I really feel. People hear "tired" and assume it is their particular definition of tiredness, so move on without probing it. In actual fact, there are a million definitions of tiredness that we can have and use.
- There is messaging in both the question and the answer. When we are talking to someone, we assume the answerer is the one giving the most information. This isn't always the case. The questioner, by selecting a specific question, is also revealing something about themselves. Why are they holding back not following up on something the other person has said? Why are they pursuing a certain line of questioning? Why have they emphasised this word, or this theme, and not another?" There is information in every sentence somebody utters, answer or question.
- You must lead the way. When engaging in practices like this, you must add it to your toolbox and vocabulary before forcing it on others. Telling people they must sit down and engage in depth in this way is not conducive to them enjoying it, or opening up. You showing how it can be enlightening and helpful is how that happens.
- Conversation timer. For certain conversations, having a timer can be useful to ensure one party doesn't become burned out. It's not the case for all issues, but for some people (empaths for example), one party can be doing the heavy lifting of asking and probing, and suddenly find after a couple of hours of this that they are spent. By setting a limit of 30-45 minutes (the average attention span doesn't last longer than this time limit anyway), you can place boundaries on the empathy that you're giving and make it much more focused and enjoyable.
Fun Tip: Specific Meeting Times
One tip the facilitator gave me in the break was to set very specific meeting times when meeting friends/colleagues/associates (e.g. "meet at 08:57 in the Courtyard", or "let's get to the coffee shop at 15:32". Because you've given a specific time, people assume you've said it for a reason, so respect your time more. Also, in my opinion, it gamifies it a little, giving them a challenge to hit. He said people who tend to be serial latecomers will begin to even arrive early after having this used on them.